Disclaimer: Laugh more, live a little, and don't sweat the small stuff. This is both educational and a way for people to laugh at themselves at the silly little things that we do that boggle everyone else!
So you wanna know about black women? We are the most complicated of creatures I swear....
1. Do NOT ask a black woman if her hair is real!!!
Jerk.
If we as black woman spend the time to find the money to BUY the hair and we have the receipts for whatever hair is glued, stitched, sewn, braided, rolled, pressed, or permed, ITS OURS. Asking a black woman if her hair is real to her face, ESPECIALLY if you don't know her will either
a) get you a slap in the face
b) get you the dirtiest of looks
c) "Who the fuck are you?" comment...
We take pride in our hair, no matter what color it is (we like sometimes to be as ghetto as can be...) and to be able to take out loans, put on layaways, and down payments on hair pieces, wigs and what not is spectacular to us. Some of us have hair that is more expensive than our car. So DON'T go talking about the hair being fake as it is the greatest of insults. Your mama taught you better anyways.
2. Do NOT ask a black woman if her boobs are real!
shakes head how many BLACK woman have you seen with fake boobs? Do we NEED more boobs? We have enough boobs to make every anorexic person on the planned at least a C cup. AT LEAST. Some of us have more boob than we can handle and as such to ponder out loud the authenticity of our breasts is once again, an insult.
Don't.be.rude.
3. When buying close for a black woman, always go smaller when in doubt.
Say you're shopping for a shirt, you want to decide between a large and a medium. Go with the medium.
Medium Scenario: "Awe honey I'm so glad you like my figure, makes my boobs look so amazing in this shirt. It fits perfectly!!"
No matter how small the shirt is on us, it fits.us.perfectly.
Say it with me. "You.Look.Great."
Large Scenario: "So you don't know my size???!!""How long have we been dating and you have not learned what size I wear??!!!""Are you cheating on me!?"
Whenever the boyfriend or girlfriend of the black woman make mistakes in sizes in clothing or forgets birthdays, we'll automatically assume you are cheating on us.
Usually we're right.
Selfish.
4. Never ever ever ever ever ever.Think you can outrun, outsmart, or out fox a black woman. We have objects such as brooms, frying pans, flip flops, spatulas and other household items of which to put you in your place.
5. If you see us taking off our earrings and giving you "The Look" you've already missed your chance to run. You might as well take the beating like the man or girl that you are. You probably broke one of the first 3 rules anyways. If you start to run, see rule number 4. Also to avoid a second demonstration by us of your stupidity of pissing us off to the point of physical reinforcement, see the next rule.
6. Chocolate, roses, ice cream, candy, shoes, and more clothing can always help you to avoid getting to Rule #5 and as such you won't have to deal with Rule #4. If we get quiet, "close up shop", ask more often about your whereabouts, then we already know what you did, and know that you're still doing it possibly. You might as well pick from one or more from above and start apologizing.
Even if you THINK you didn't do anything wrong. You did something wrong.
7. Every week, assume you did something wrong and as such follow Rule #6 to avoid Rules #5 and 4.
8. Every month we turn into a MONSTER. Stay away for a week unless you come dressed for battle. we will turn on you in a dime. And we will assume that when ANYTHING goes wrong that week that we are being victimized by Aunt Flo-
Its your fault.
See Rule #6, if you really desire to be around during those devastating times.
9. we are NOT ever FAT, we are plump, big boned, BBW, or curvy. If you slip and utter that foul nasty f-bom of a word, see #5.
Ass.
10. If you ever decide to do the dumbest thing since going to black people church by yourself, and cheat on us, Rule #6 will not save you.
AT ALL.
You have immediately envoked upon yourself Rule # 4 and 5 and the following.
10. Black women have black sista's. When the "playa card" has been played upon us, we put up a call for reinforcements, and we will follow and stalk you until we are able to follow through in full force Rules #4 and 5. We also have Mamma's....which leads to rule #11....
11. DO NOT piss off our Mamma, that will come around and BITE you in your ass when you breakany of the following rules above. they also will come after you and send whatever husband, boyfriend, or gang affiliation they have in their own reinforcements.
12. If you can NOT break any of these rules but once or twice a year, Congrats! You've probably dated, married, or wooed a black woman successfully. I applaud you.
13. If at a club and you approach a black woman, we DO NOT DRINK BEER.
Say it with me: "Vodka, vodka, vodka. Ru, Rum, rum". and if you treat us cheaply, we will then cheaply beat your ass later for it, we only have so many cast iron pans to go through and as such we tend to use flip flops, brooms, mops, and remot controls.
14. Getting water on our hair, pushing us into the pool, pulling our hair out is very close to you breaking rule #9 and as such Rules #4 and 5 have definitely been invoked and possibly rule #3 could ease the pain, so that you don't have to incur rules #10 and 11 as well.
there you go!
Next up: Black Parties,Dinners, hanging out, and game playing aka "I'm in da house!".
No comments:
Post a Comment