Disclaimer: I have to rewrite EVERYTHING over because I lost all my black people writings...the good news is I remember it all and get to add a few more rules over the next few days. If you find any of this offensive please go have a beer, attend a church service, find some therapy, stop sweating the small stuff...and finally you have to learn to laugh at the silly things that we all do in different cultures..its how we heal from all the serious heavy shit that happens to us anyways.. :
Onward:
It's Church Time!!!!
How does a NON African American get away with going to a black people Church and survive to tell the story:
1. DO NOT go to a black people church by yourself.
To us it means you have issues. If you're a girl we think you're a hooker coming back to "Gawd", or you were dumb enough to not find your black church buddy. Every person needs their black church buddy to survive this community. Friend a black person on here if you don't have a black friend, get to know them...then ask them to take you on the wonderful journey of black people church. We ALL know how to get you through it safely without multiple trips to the altar.
2. DO NOT dress better than the people of the Church.
First you'll stand out no matter where you sit (see rule #3 on church sitting placements), it also means that you have more money than us...this also means that you will DEFINITELY be watched during offering time and IF you do NOT put something in the offering basket-
That's am automatic trip to the altar during altar call.
Foolish you to dress in a three piece suit to impress...who?? If you had done your homework and taken your black church buddy you would have dressed similar to him..but no, you didn't. So not only do you go to the altar, you have also cost your black church buddy at LEAST some dirty looks from fellow black people and MAYBE a trip as well for him- to the altar.
3. DO NOT sit at the front of the Church. DO NOT sit at the back of the church.
Sitting at the front of the church probably means you took someones church pew spot.To us black people it's the equivalent to the "Employee of the Month" RESERVED parking space. They have earned that church pew spot after YEARS...YEARS of attending and sitting in that same spot. Even the ushers at some point will STOP "ushering" people to those designated church pew spots. So this has cost you AGAIN dirty looks and perhaps a one-on-one prayer with an Elder during prayer time. Sitting in the back of the church is the equivalent to overdressing and as such will cost you a trip to the altar during altar call.
Sit in the middle...in the middle of the pew. It takes longer to get out for you but that also means that they will be less likely to point you out and give you a summons to, you guest it-
The altar.
4. Offering Time-
We know you have money.
Don't act as if you don't and pass the collection plate without putting something in there. Now we think you're a SELFISH OVERLY DRESSED PEW SPOT STEALER. You have just made your black people nickname that much longer which means it will take THAT much LONGER to redeem yourself.
Rude.
We area always collecting for that building fund that will help the children. It's always for the children. We love to "help" you examine yourself and find "Gawd" to give you the direction to your wallet so that you can place from within your wallet to our collection plate.
Also taking long to dig in your pocket for the money to the collection plate, makes you look like a dumbass. It means the secretly gay organ player and church choir director have to continue playing and directing the choir while they sing "Your steps are ordered by God" THAT much longer. We haven't even gotten to praise and worship yet....THIS IS WHY CHURCH LASTS SO LONG!!!!
5. Praise and Worship
Let me teach you the words "watermelon" and "pineapple" mouthing these words silently with your lips moving during praise and worship could possibly SAVE you a trip to the altar. To us if you can't praise "Gawd" then you don't know him and we will help you find him.
And know him.
With lots of anointing oil.
6. Do NOT sing louder than us.
We have a designated soprano to do that for us. She sits in the FRONT row of the church choir and we all know her by name. You have once again over stepped boundaries and stolen someone's "glory to God". Plus you have earned the nickname THAT SELFISHLY OVERDRESSED PEW SPOT STEALING DIVA. That's extra time for you buddy. Plus if your black church buddy hasn't shushed you by now he's getting dirty looks from his fellow black people and has now earned the "disrespectful" lecture from a church mother...after church..which is after the altar call.
7. LISTEN TO THE SERMON AND DO NOT AVOID EYE CONTACT!!! The preacher has already pointed you out during offering time, and praise and worship. He has carefully re-crafted his sermon and worded it with you in mind. You must now do the following things:
Learn to nod your head, say amen, and clap at the appropriate times.
FOLLOW your black church buddy as he will carefully maneuver you through this very complicated section of church service.
8. Altar call.
You might as well go up there. If all else fails we'll think that you are a sinner going back to "Gawd" and won't need to prolong altar call till you come up anyways. Altar call is for those designated habitual altar call people, who sit in the second row and for those people whom we don't know.
That's you.
The more time it takes you to come to the altar, the longer altar call is, which means the higher in leadership you'll get as your designated anointer, which means the MORE anointing oil you get.
9. During altar call DO NOT interrupt the people passing out and those running!!!
For the runners...this is their weekly workout to amazing organ music by the secretly gay organist and choir director.They get LIVE music while running for "Gee-zus". Interrupting them will get Elder SpeakinTongues on you faster than you can say "Praise Him" and he will of course Lead.You.To.The.Altar.
They think you have a demon for coming to church in the first place anyways.And they will take ALL Day to amake sure it is out of you.The will even tag team out annointers when they run out of things to pray for. We replace them quickly and efficiently like bottles of ketchup. And we always UPGRADE each time.
The deaconesses take care of the people who pass out. They place little squares of fabric over the places where your eyes shouldn't wander to anyways. So interrupting them not only gets you a trip to the altar but it also pegs you as a potential sexual predator which is an immediate no hall pass altar call. Your black church buddy can NOT help you get out of this one.
10. If you haven't noticed by now that the leaders of the music department, half the Elders, and Pastor or Bishop bat for the same team then you have not been paying attention during church. Which means you've probably avoided eye contact during the sermon which means this has cost you a trip to the altar.
During altar call.
11. We are only bilingual during prayer time, altar call, and other heightened moments during church services.It seems those are the ONLY times that the "Holy Ghost" comes to visit and give us the gift of other languagesof which you have NO idea what we are saying. So when Elder DiddleBoys starts it up, follow the lead of your black church buddy.
12. There is an extra special AFTER church altar call.
These do exist. this is reserved for those who either ignored altar call, broke more than 5 of the rules I listed above, or you parked in the Pastor or Bishop's parking spot.
Idiot.
You get the Altar call special with the Pastor or Bishop because NO one gets away with parking in their spot and lives without receiving the power of the "Holy Ghost" which will compell you not to park there EVER again.
That's all I have for now. Hopefully this is enough to get you through your first church service. If you go back for a second visityou only get to make ONE mistake...any further is an automatic ticket .....on that sweet golden road to the cross...sitting at the altar.
Next up will be BLACK WOMEN- The Do's and Dont's.
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