Disclaimer: Laugh more, live a little, and don't sweat the small stuff. This is both educational and a way for people to laugh at themselves at the silly little things that we do that boggle everyone else!
Okay, so we've discussed how you are supposed to act in church and to your the women. Now what the hell do you do if you are ever invited to someone's house?? In our Neighborhood!? Here's a little insight!
Also having a Blackperson Buddy does not apply here as you are not Intermediate level and should know better and have prepared before coming.
You've been invited to a party/dinner of the Black People Kind!! Consider yourself really fucking lucky as this is a rare treat. It also means we trust you...but there still are tests!
1. NEVER go to someone's house without directions/map/GPS. If you even LOOK lost cruising through our neighborhood with your Nice 'ole Prius/Lexus/F-150 we will think that you're up to no good. -Future Thief will be your nickname.
2. NEVER show up to a party/dinner without SOMETHING!
Rude. And now your nickname will be RudeFutureThief!
And it had better not be chicken either. That's probably what you're having for dinner. Then you're going to either get slapped or made fun of for the fact that you are insinuating that OUR chicken isn't good enough. If you bring alcohol, you get points.
3. If you bring "Our" version of "Cigarettes", to SHARE, you've just leveled up in coolness and probably have earned a fist bump. Also Kudos if you smoke with us and don't cause awkwardness.
4. NEVER EVER EVER EVER....EVER play spades/dominoes if you have no experience playing.
We are cutthroat. If you cause your spades partner to "Lose" a book based on your stupidity and lack of knowledge, you've just earned the nickname of
RudeFutureThiefwhocan'tplaycards
the more we add to your nickname, the longer it takes for you to be "cool" again and the more "Douche" you are.
You'll be lucky if you are not punched or bitch slapped across the table. And let's not let your mistake happen in the middle of "shooting the moon" in spades because in that case, you'll have to leave the house.
Immediately. (Do not pass go...do not collect $200...)
Hint: That BlackChurchBuddy you used to survive Black people church, can probably teach you all these games beforehand so that you don't cause "a scene" in my mamma's house. (It's always at some Mamma's house...)
5. If you are drinking, bring drinks to share. Or you'll be known as That "BrokeRudeFutureThiefwhocan'tplaycards"
We are already poor enough as it is. (Reparation!)
See how this is looking for you?
6. And please for the love of GOD do not bring things you KNOW we wouldn't drink. Sharing is caring, and you'll look like a stingy bastard of which we'll have to break up your nickname into a full name Douche Status:
That StingyBrokeRudemuthaf*ckin' FutureThief Whocan'tplaycards
You now have a FIRST, MIDDLE, AND LAST Douche name. Good luck earning your "cool points" back.
We drink things we can spell as well as liquors that come in pretty bottles that we can flash on R&B/Rap Videos that make us look rich..and cool...and so fresh and so clean clean. (Who comes up with these lyrics anyways!?)
Keep this in mind.
7. Revisited Rule: When eating, and you don't like the food that you are having at "My Mamma's House" (picture finger wagging, head swerving):
Eat.it.anyways.
The first complaint you make, will be the last complaint you make. Ever. In that house, if not for the rest of your life because:
You've just made fun of " My Mamma's Food". Which actually is a sin of which you'll probably be invited to a "make-shift" altar to cast those demons out of you.
Or the cast iron pan to your face. And no promises if the oil the chicken was fried in is still there or not...
Ungrateful.
8. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER...EVER eat the last of ANYTHING in our fridge. Especially our kool-aid, chicken, watermelon, apple pie, beer, etc.
Stupid.
That is another sin...there will be an altar for you. Chances are one of the Deacons from the church is sitting at the card table smoking those "Cigarettes" and will happily "deliver" you from evil. (we have many bibles and annointing oil around the house for such occurences.)
Now pay attention to these last few rules:
8. Should the police show up to our house, you are NOW one of us. You will all of a sudden hear us say "Yes Ma'am/Sir" (all cussing is gone) and pretend we were NOT just enjoying those fantastic "Cigarettes" you brought over for us to share.
You rat us out or skip out the back door while we are dealing with all of this then you automatically become
That DEADStingyBrokeRudemuthaf*ckin' FutureThief Whocan'tplaycards
9. Should a house fight begin to occur over a bad hand dealt, someone talking about someone's Mamma, cheating:
This is the ONLY time you can leave the house without saying goodbye (Leave the cigs, booze, and food please...douche) and get your tush out of there...DON'T EVER try to include yourself in a black people fight. You'll only hurt yourself. We KNOW what we are doing and chances are if things get really hairy, flipflops, frying pans, chairs, will appear in the air and its just not pretty.
We'll call you next week probably and apologize for our cousin's baby's mamma's sister's brother for acting "uncouth" and invite you back. (This is one of the few chances you can shorten your nickname...)
10. One of the most important rules. NEVER CHANGE THE MUSIC THAT WILL HAVE BEEN PLAYING THE WHOLE TIME ALL OF THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON.
I should NOT have to expound upon this. You know better. What has your Mother taught you!?
More later...
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