Gift Wrap

True friends if they treated you as a gift, wouldn't want to just explore the "outside wrapping" of you, they get the opportunity to look inside, see and feel what a wonderful gem you are.

Dig deep, get an understanding of those you choose to call, text and communicate with. Why spend your whole life walking around in the ocean and only going 2 ft deep?

Take a dive, have a swim, go spelunking! Allow for the water to wash over you and know that it will carry you where you need to go. It can be scary at first but consider the fact that you made the choice to go somewhere new that will in the end make you an even more unique individual.

Asking questions means that you don't want to look at just one side of the coin.

Voicing your opinion means that you respect yourself enough to see that every voice like a vote, counts. No matter how big or small.

Listen, no matter how soft or how loud. Then choose whether to take it in and own it or discard away as an unnecessary embellishment to your life. Even the shortest of sentences can make the biggest changes in your life and you may miss it while trying to get ahead to the next "checkpoint" in your journey.

Stand for something or fall for anything. Every stand you take in whatever means that you do so, shows your character, your strength, your passion, your core.

You have the ultimate power of choosing your journey in your life, you walk in your own made for you shoes, be as original to yourself as you can.

Be the best you that you can be. That's all you can ask for yourself and all that anyone should ask for you.

The Outsider's Guide to Surviving in the Black People Community Pt.3 or "I'm in a House!"

Disclaimer: Laugh more, live a little, and don't sweat the small stuff. This is both educational and a way for people to laugh at themselves at the silly little things that we do that boggle everyone else!

Okay, so we've discussed how you are supposed to act in church and to your the women. Now what the hell do you do if you are ever invited to someone's house?? In our Neighborhood!? Here's a little insight!

Also having a Blackperson Buddy does not apply here as you are not Intermediate level and should know better and have prepared before coming.

You've been invited to a party/dinner of the Black People Kind!! Consider yourself really fucking lucky as this is a rare treat. It also means we trust you...but there still are tests!

1. NEVER go to someone's house without directions/map/GPS. If you even LOOK lost cruising through our neighborhood with your Nice 'ole Prius/Lexus/F-150 we will think that you're up to no good. -Future Thief will be your nickname.

2. NEVER show up to a party/dinner without SOMETHING!

Rude. And now your nickname will be RudeFutureThief!

And it had better not be chicken either. That's probably what you're having for dinner. Then you're going to either get slapped or made fun of for the fact that you are insinuating that OUR chicken isn't good enough. If you bring alcohol, you get points.

3. If you bring "Our" version of "Cigarettes", to SHARE, you've just leveled up in coolness and probably have earned a fist bump. Also Kudos if you smoke with us and don't cause awkwardness.

4. NEVER EVER EVER EVER....EVER play spades/dominoes if you have no experience playing.

We are cutthroat. If you cause your spades partner to "Lose" a book based on your stupidity and lack of knowledge, you've just earned the nickname of

RudeFutureThiefwhocan'tplaycards

the more we add to your nickname, the longer it takes for you to be "cool" again and the more "Douche" you are.

You'll be lucky if you are not punched or bitch slapped across the table. And let's not let your mistake happen in the middle of "shooting the moon" in spades because in that case, you'll have to leave the house.

Immediately. (Do not pass go...do not collect $200...)

Hint: That BlackChurchBuddy you used to survive Black people church, can probably teach you all these games beforehand so that you don't cause "a scene" in my mamma's house. (It's always at some Mamma's house...)

5. If you are drinking, bring drinks to share. Or you'll be known as That "BrokeRudeFutureThiefwhocan'tplaycards"

We are already poor enough as it is. (Reparation!)

See how this is looking for you?

6. And please for the love of GOD do not bring things you KNOW we wouldn't drink. Sharing is caring, and you'll look like a stingy bastard of which we'll have to break up your nickname into a full name Douche Status:

That StingyBrokeRudemuthaf*ckin' FutureThief Whocan'tplaycards

You now have a FIRST, MIDDLE, AND LAST Douche name. Good luck earning your "cool points" back.

We drink things we can spell as well as liquors that come in pretty bottles that we can flash on R&B/Rap Videos that make us look rich..and cool...and so fresh and so clean clean. (Who comes up with these lyrics anyways!?)

Keep this in mind.

7. Revisited Rule: When eating, and you don't like the food that you are having at "My Mamma's House" (picture finger wagging, head swerving):

Eat.it.anyways.

The first complaint you make, will be the last complaint you make. Ever. In that house, if not for the rest of your life because:

You've just made fun of " My Mamma's Food". Which actually is a sin of which you'll probably be invited to a "make-shift" altar to cast those demons out of you.

Or the cast iron pan to your face. And no promises if the oil the chicken was fried in is still there or not...

Ungrateful.

8. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER...EVER eat the last of ANYTHING in our fridge. Especially our kool-aid, chicken, watermelon, apple pie, beer, etc.

Stupid.

That is another sin...there will be an altar for you. Chances are one of the Deacons from the church is sitting at the card table smoking those "Cigarettes" and will happily "deliver" you from evil. (we have many bibles and annointing oil around the house for such occurences.)

Now pay attention to these last few rules:

8. Should the police show up to our house, you are NOW one of us. You will all of a sudden hear us say "Yes Ma'am/Sir" (all cussing is gone) and pretend we were NOT just enjoying those fantastic "Cigarettes" you brought over for us to share.

You rat us out or skip out the back door while we are dealing with all of this then you automatically become

That DEADStingyBrokeRudemuthaf*ckin' FutureThief Whocan'tplaycards

9. Should a house fight begin to occur over a bad hand dealt, someone talking about someone's Mamma, cheating:

This is the ONLY time you can leave the house without saying goodbye (Leave the cigs, booze, and food please...douche) and get your tush out of there...DON'T EVER try to include yourself in a black people fight. You'll only hurt yourself. We KNOW what we are doing and chances are if things get really hairy, flipflops, frying pans, chairs, will appear in the air and its just not pretty.

We'll call you next week probably and apologize for our cousin's baby's mamma's sister's brother for acting "uncouth" and invite you back. (This is one of the few chances you can shorten your nickname...)

10. One of the most important rules. NEVER CHANGE THE MUSIC THAT WILL HAVE BEEN PLAYING THE WHOLE TIME ALL OF THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON.

I should NOT have to expound upon this. You know better. What has your Mother taught you!?

More later...

The Outsider's Guide to Surviving in the Black Community Part 2!!

Disclaimer: Laugh more, live a little, and don't sweat the small stuff. This is both educational and a way for people to laugh at themselves at the silly little things that we do that boggle everyone else!

So you wanna know about black women? We are the most complicated of creatures I swear....

1. Do NOT ask a black woman if her hair is real!!!

Jerk.
If we as black woman spend the time to find the money to BUY the hair and we have the receipts for whatever hair is glued, stitched, sewn, braided, rolled, pressed, or permed, ITS OURS. Asking a black woman if her hair is real to her face, ESPECIALLY if you don't know her will either

a) get you a slap in the face
b) get you the dirtiest of looks
c) "Who the fuck are you?" comment...

We take pride in our hair, no matter what color it is (we like sometimes to be as ghetto as can be...) and to be able to take out loans, put on layaways, and down payments on hair pieces, wigs and what not is spectacular to us. Some of us have hair that is more expensive than our car. So DON'T go talking about the hair being fake as it is the greatest of insults. Your mama taught you better anyways.

2. Do NOT ask a black woman if her boobs are real!

shakes head how many BLACK woman have you seen with fake boobs? Do we NEED more boobs? We have enough boobs to make every anorexic person on the planned at least a C cup. AT LEAST. Some of us have more boob than we can handle and as such to ponder out loud the authenticity of our breasts is once again, an insult.

Don't.be.rude.

3. When buying close for a black woman, always go smaller when in doubt.
Say you're shopping for a shirt, you want to decide between a large and a medium. Go with the medium.

Medium Scenario: "Awe honey I'm so glad you like my figure, makes my boobs look so amazing in this shirt. It fits perfectly!!"

No matter how small the shirt is on us, it fits.us.perfectly.

Say it with me. "You.Look.Great."

Large Scenario: "So you don't know my size???!!""How long have we been dating and you have not learned what size I wear??!!!""Are you cheating on me!?"

Whenever the boyfriend or girlfriend of the black woman make mistakes in sizes in clothing or forgets birthdays, we'll automatically assume you are cheating on us.

Usually we're right.

Selfish.

4. Never ever ever ever ever ever.Think you can outrun, outsmart, or out fox a black woman. We have objects such as brooms, frying pans, flip flops, spatulas and other household items of which to put you in your place.

5. If you see us taking off our earrings and giving you "The Look" you've already missed your chance to run. You might as well take the beating like the man or girl that you are. You probably broke one of the first 3 rules anyways. If you start to run, see rule number 4. Also to avoid a second demonstration by us of your stupidity of pissing us off to the point of physical reinforcement, see the next rule.

6. Chocolate, roses, ice cream, candy, shoes, and more clothing can always help you to avoid getting to Rule #5 and as such you won't have to deal with Rule #4. If we get quiet, "close up shop", ask more often about your whereabouts, then we already know what you did, and know that you're still doing it possibly. You might as well pick from one or more from above and start apologizing.

Even if you THINK you didn't do anything wrong. You did something wrong.

7. Every week, assume you did something wrong and as such follow Rule #6 to avoid Rules #5 and 4.

8. Every month we turn into a MONSTER. Stay away for a week unless you come dressed for battle. we will turn on you in a dime. And we will assume that when ANYTHING goes wrong that week that we are being victimized by Aunt Flo-

Its your fault.

See Rule #6, if you really desire to be around during those devastating times.

9. we are NOT ever FAT, we are plump, big boned, BBW, or curvy. If you slip and utter that foul nasty f-bom of a word, see #5.

Ass.

10. If you ever decide to do the dumbest thing since going to black people church by yourself, and cheat on us, Rule #6 will not save you.

AT ALL.
You have immediately envoked upon yourself Rule # 4 and 5 and the following.

10. Black women have black sista's. When the "playa card" has been played upon us, we put up a call for reinforcements, and we will follow and stalk you until we are able to follow through in full force Rules #4 and 5. We also have Mamma's....which leads to rule #11....

11. DO NOT piss off our Mamma, that will come around and BITE you in your ass when you breakany of the following rules above. they also will come after you and send whatever husband, boyfriend, or gang affiliation they have in their own reinforcements.

12. If you can NOT break any of these rules but once or twice a year, Congrats! You've probably dated, married, or wooed a black woman successfully. I applaud you.

13. If at a club and you approach a black woman, we DO NOT DRINK BEER.
Say it with me: "Vodka, vodka, vodka. Ru, Rum, rum". and if you treat us cheaply, we will then cheaply beat your ass later for it, we only have so many cast iron pans to go through and as such we tend to use flip flops, brooms, mops, and remot controls.

14. Getting water on our hair, pushing us into the pool, pulling our hair out is very close to you breaking rule #9 and as such Rules #4 and 5 have definitely been invoked and possibly rule #3 could ease the pain, so that you don't have to incur rules #10 and 11 as well.

there you go!

Next up: Black Parties,Dinners, hanging out, and game playing aka "I'm in da house!".

The Outsider's Guide to Surviving in the Black People Community!

Disclaimer: I have to rewrite EVERYTHING over because I lost all my black people writings...the good news is I remember it all and get to add a few more rules over the next few days. If you find any of this offensive please go have a beer, attend a church service, find some therapy, stop sweating the small stuff...and finally you have to learn to laugh at the silly things that we all do in different cultures..its how we heal from all the serious heavy shit that happens to us anyways.. :

Onward:

It's Church Time!!!!

How does a NON African American get away with going to a black people Church and survive to tell the story:

1. DO NOT go to a black people church by yourself.
To us it means you have issues. If you're a girl we think you're a hooker coming back to "Gawd", or you were dumb enough to not find your black church buddy. Every person needs their black church buddy to survive this community. Friend a black person on here if you don't have a black friend, get to know them...then ask them to take you on the wonderful journey of black people church. We ALL know how to get you through it safely without multiple trips to the altar.

2. DO NOT dress better than the people of the Church.
First you'll stand out no matter where you sit (see rule #3 on church sitting placements), it also means that you have more money than us...this also means that you will DEFINITELY be watched during offering time and IF you do NOT put something in the offering basket-

That's am automatic trip to the altar during altar call.

Foolish you to dress in a three piece suit to impress...who?? If you had done your homework and taken your black church buddy you would have dressed similar to him..but no, you didn't. So not only do you go to the altar, you have also cost your black church buddy at LEAST some dirty looks from fellow black people and MAYBE a trip as well for him- to the altar.

3. DO NOT sit at the front of the Church. DO NOT sit at the back of the church.
Sitting at the front of the church probably means you took someones church pew spot.To us black people it's the equivalent to the "Employee of the Month" RESERVED parking space. They have earned that church pew spot after YEARS...YEARS of attending and sitting in that same spot. Even the ushers at some point will STOP "ushering" people to those designated church pew spots. So this has cost you AGAIN dirty looks and perhaps a one-on-one prayer with an Elder during prayer time. Sitting in the back of the church is the equivalent to overdressing and as such will cost you a trip to the altar during altar call.

Sit in the middle...in the middle of the pew. It takes longer to get out for you but that also means that they will be less likely to point you out and give you a summons to, you guest it-

The altar.

4. Offering Time-
We know you have money.

Don't act as if you don't and pass the collection plate without putting something in there. Now we think you're a SELFISH OVERLY DRESSED PEW SPOT STEALER. You have just made your black people nickname that much longer which means it will take THAT much LONGER to redeem yourself.

Rude.

We area always collecting for that building fund that will help the children. It's always for the children. We love to "help" you examine yourself and find "Gawd" to give you the direction to your wallet so that you can place from within your wallet to our collection plate.

Also taking long to dig in your pocket for the money to the collection plate, makes you look like a dumbass. It means the secretly gay organ player and church choir director have to continue playing and directing the choir while they sing "Your steps are ordered by God" THAT much longer. We haven't even gotten to praise and worship yet....THIS IS WHY CHURCH LASTS SO LONG!!!!

5. Praise and Worship
Let me teach you the words "watermelon" and "pineapple" mouthing these words silently with your lips moving during praise and worship could possibly SAVE you a trip to the altar. To us if you can't praise "Gawd" then you don't know him and we will help you find him.

And know him.

With lots of anointing oil.

6. Do NOT sing louder than us.

We have a designated soprano to do that for us. She sits in the FRONT row of the church choir and we all know her by name. You have once again over stepped boundaries and stolen someone's "glory to God". Plus you have earned the nickname THAT SELFISHLY OVERDRESSED PEW SPOT STEALING DIVA. That's extra time for you buddy. Plus if your black church buddy hasn't shushed you by now he's getting dirty looks from his fellow black people and has now earned the "disrespectful" lecture from a church mother...after church..which is after the altar call.

7. LISTEN TO THE SERMON AND DO NOT AVOID EYE CONTACT!!! The preacher has already pointed you out during offering time, and praise and worship. He has carefully re-crafted his sermon and worded it with you in mind. You must now do the following things:

Learn to nod your head, say amen, and clap at the appropriate times.

FOLLOW your black church buddy as he will carefully maneuver you through this very complicated section of church service.

8. Altar call.

You might as well go up there. If all else fails we'll think that you are a sinner going back to "Gawd" and won't need to prolong altar call till you come up anyways. Altar call is for those designated habitual altar call people, who sit in the second row and for those people whom we don't know.

That's you.

The more time it takes you to come to the altar, the longer altar call is, which means the higher in leadership you'll get as your designated anointer, which means the MORE anointing oil you get.

9. During altar call DO NOT interrupt the people passing out and those running!!!
For the runners...this is their weekly workout to amazing organ music by the secretly gay organist and choir director.They get LIVE music while running for "Gee-zus". Interrupting them will get Elder SpeakinTongues on you faster than you can say "Praise Him" and he will of course Lead.You.To.The.Altar.

They think you have a demon for coming to church in the first place anyways.And they will take ALL Day to amake sure it is out of you.The will even tag team out annointers when they run out of things to pray for. We replace them quickly and efficiently like bottles of ketchup. And we always UPGRADE each time.

The deaconesses take care of the people who pass out. They place little squares of fabric over the places where your eyes shouldn't wander to anyways. So interrupting them not only gets you a trip to the altar but it also pegs you as a potential sexual predator which is an immediate no hall pass altar call. Your black church buddy can NOT help you get out of this one.

10. If you haven't noticed by now that the leaders of the music department, half the Elders, and Pastor or Bishop bat for the same team then you have not been paying attention during church. Which means you've probably avoided eye contact during the sermon which means this has cost you a trip to the altar.

During altar call.

11. We are only bilingual during prayer time, altar call, and other heightened moments during church services.It seems those are the ONLY times that the "Holy Ghost" comes to visit and give us the gift of other languagesof which you have NO idea what we are saying. So when Elder DiddleBoys starts it up, follow the lead of your black church buddy.

12. There is an extra special AFTER church altar call.

These do exist. this is reserved for those who either ignored altar call, broke more than 5 of the rules I listed above, or you parked in the Pastor or Bishop's parking spot.

Idiot.

You get the Altar call special with the Pastor or Bishop because NO one gets away with parking in their spot and lives without receiving the power of the "Holy Ghost" which will compell you not to park there EVER again.

That's all I have for now. Hopefully this is enough to get you through your first church service. If you go back for a second visityou only get to make ONE mistake...any further is an automatic ticket .....on that sweet golden road to the cross...sitting at the altar.

Next up will be BLACK WOMEN- The Do's and Dont's.